Why Slut Shaming Makes You Look Bad, Not Other Women

I’m so tired of women using the word “slut” to describe other women, or using the word as an adjective to describe another woman’s behavior.

It reminds me about when I was going into middle school. An older friend of mine sat me down and explained the hierarchy of my new personal hell school. “There are preps and jocks, weirdos, nerds, but you definitely don’t want to hang out with the sluts,” she warned.

“What makes someone a slut?” I asked. This word was new to me, and I wasn’t even sure what it entailed.

“It’s a girl who always flirts with other guys, does things with them,” my friend explained. I didn’t quite understand how a girl who got the attention of guys was someone I didn’t want to be friends with. Or how her behavior was any different than my popular friends who turned into giggling maniacs whenever a dude entered the room. I tried to agree that yes, being flirty with boys was so not okay, and entered middle school with a sexist knowledge that would take years to erase.

It is because I learned the word “slut” in middle school that I associate it with juvenile behavior today. Not that being promiscuous is juvenile, but rather caring so much that you give it such a demeaning title makes me think you are a lot immature, and perhaps a wee bit jealous.

I never grew up in a home where words were used lightly. “Shut up!” was the equivalent of dropping the F-bomb, or maybe even less tolerable. My parents never described other women as “sluts” or “skanks”, and corrected me when I was a teenager. I remember casually calling a classmate a “whore” at the dinner table, and my dad asked calmly: “You have prostitutes in your class?”. When I immediately told him that of COURSE we didn’t (c’mon, dad), he responded “Then you shouldn’t call anyone that.” It sank in.

Throughout my young adulthood I have had friends that view sex on a varying degree, ranging from those who want to wait until marriage to those who want to wait to the end of this sentence. I can’t remember a time–as a young adult–I’ve ever truly cared about their preferences. I do not view those abstaining any less than those who are bountiful in their conquests, or visa versa. As long as it is being consensual (which sex should ALWAYS BE)…

what the hell do I care?

I feel that slut shaming is one of the biggest detriments we have to modern feminism. The classic dichotomy of virgin versus sex-crazed maniac is a double edged sword that does nothing for either side. Everyone’s personal view of sex is just that–personal–and should be viewed as such. Just because I have been in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship for the past three years does not make me better (or worse) than anyone else, and I don’t claim to know the best way to have a relationship for everyone. I know what is right for my sexual and mental health, and I want that for everyone. You should not be having to combat society’s stigmas while simultaneously trying to figure out your comfort levels with sexual behavior. Using words like “slut”, “ho”, or any variety of the word do nothing for us as women but bring us down.

There is the argument of reclaiming words like “slut” in the positive sense, and if that is your choice, by ALL MEANS, go for it. However, using that word in the negative sense is not pro-woman, and just not okay. If you are calling yourself or another woman “slutty” to bring about a negative view of a behavior or individual, you are not doing anyone any favors. Your personal view of sexuality does not need to be imposed on every woman. If you have a voice, you should use it to advocate for women’s sexual rights rather than demean them.

I understand that a lot of times, a woman’s sexuality is viewed as something that is done for the attention of men, and that in itself rips it of it’s empowerment. To that I say “poo poo”. Not all women are having sex solely with straight men, and your view of “why” a woman should have sex is just as damning as a man’s thoughts that he is owed sex. A woman should have sex because she wants to and is digging it with the partner of her choice.

So what I’m saying is this: if you identify yourself as a feminist (which everyone should, because it is 2014 and we’re not a bunch of idiotic Neanderthals), stop using the word slut negatively to describe the behavior of women. It’s not cute. It’s not funny. It’s hurtful and sets us back about 40 years. If you have concerns about a friend’s sexual choices, find a different way to approach it. You can inquire about someone’s sexual business with different words or tones.

Or keep your damn opinion to yourself, and keep doing you. If that’s what you’re into. 😉

tired.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of living in a world where a man thinks that sex is owed to him. I’m tired of living in a world where if a woman is not interested, she risks being threatened or harassed. I’m tired of living in a world where a 23 year old male can justify killing others because he is a virgin, just not by choice. I’m tired of misogyny being dismissed because it “isn’t a real issue”.  I’m tired of there being pockets of the Internet filled with men’s rights activists, who think that their male privilege isn’t enough. I’m tired of these men thinking that women are the enemy, when it’s their behavior that is their true enemy. I’m tired of people saying “It’s a mental health issue” when it’s just as much a sexism issue, too, and that our world doesn’t tell men “No, women do not owe you ANYTHING simply because they are WOMEN.”

I’m tired.

I’m tired of seeing social media doing the dirty work for bringing home girls. I’m tired of seeing celebrities, hashtags, memes, and internet “awareness”, when what happened to those girls shouldn’t have happened in the first place. I’m tired of hashtags attempting to change the world instead of people. I’m tired of people thinking that uploading an image from their smart phone taken in a comfortable home, place of work, or otherwise is doing some sort of good. I’m tired that this world needs celebrities, politicians, and people of power to take selfies showing their dismay, rather doing the right thing and sending those girls home where they belong.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of wondering how I’m going to walk back to my car alone at night. I’m tired of clarifying my decisions about my body. I’m tired of listening to men calling themselves “nice guys” and justifying their harassment and patronization of women. I’m tired of seeing link after link after link after link on my Facebook about how women are being trampled, killed, silenced, or ignored. I’m tired of hearing excuses. I’m tired of knowing that the teaching profession is suffering because it is a profession vastly occupied by women, and people don’t care to save their teachers because they don’t care to save their women. I’m tired of listening to the drone rhetoric of the patriarchy that is insisting that all things are equal now, when clearly they aren’t. I’m tired of people saying women deserve to be raped. I’m tired of stereotypes of women in the media. I’m tired of biting my tongue when someone condescends me based on my gender. I’m tired of being ridiculed for being a feminist, and being ridiculed for not being enough of a feminist.

I’m tired.

And I don’t want to be. I want to stop being tired. I want there to be justice and revolution and change and miracles and the whole world to wake up with me and say “ENOUGH.”

If you’re not tired, you should be. And you should have had enough.

I’m An Adult! I Swear! Or…At Least I’m Trying.

I contribute to a mortgage. I plan vacations to visit long-distance friends. I live with my partner, where we have flower beds, kitties, and chores to do.

I wish I could contribute more to our mortgage. These vacations are becoming far less frequent as I try to save more and spend less. We killed our garden last year. Sometimes I forget to scoop the kitty litter. And I hate chores. And sometimes pout when I have to do my part.

I have a full-time job where 11 tiny people count on me, and 6 co-workers that do, too. After working an 8 hour day, I schedule 3-mile runs, socializing, and amazing meals that I love to show off.

My job is exhausting and sometimes I envy those that seem to always be on vacation, always seem to be relaxing, and can still stay out late on weeknights without having to pay for it the next day. Those tiny people are demanding, and have made me realize I will never be a parent. I skip my runs more often that I like to admit. A lot of evenings I’d rather be watching Netflix on my couch than anything else. Tonight, I made Trader Joe’s boxed macaroni and cheese and hot dogs for dinner.

I pay my bills on time!

Most of the time.

I started a book club!

With the goal to hang out with my friends and drink on a weeknight.

I take dance classes!

So that I don’t have to run as often as I should.

I eat right! I don’t over indulge! I have good taste in clothing, wine, music, literature, and film!

I could eat a cheeseburger at any given moment of the day. I walk out of the house in dresses that are too short. I can’t tell the difference between bad and good wine most of the time. I know all the words to “Wrecking Ball” and “Space Jam”. I read the book “The Bling Ring”–a biography about a group of teenagers that robbed celebrities–and was so fascinated, I couldn’t stop talking about it for a month. I’d rather watch “24 Dresses” than pretty much any Oscar-nominated film.

I’m an adult! I live in a great house, I work hard, and I can do it all with a smile on my face, Kate Spade on my wrist, and money in my bank account! I can give sage advice to my friends and my own name is on my car title. I plan out weekly meals, I budget for events, and I shop at boutiques. I have informed opinions on politics. I vote! I look in the mirror and I’m proud of my body, I’m proud of who I am.

I go through this weird mental race of figuring out what it means to be “an adult” and if I’m there yet. Does it matter if I am? Does it matter if I never get there? What if I will always have to call my mom to do my dirty work with bill collectors for me? What if I never have the financial resources to travel around Europe? What if I can’t afford a vet bill? How does anyone afford dental insurance? Does that mark my failure? Why am I so insecure about how my adulthood is perceived?

Why does it matter?

At times, I feel like I will never grow wiser because I keep making mistakes. Other times, I feel so full of knowledge and strength that I could lead an entire nation at 26. Lots of people go through their “quarter-life crisis” at 25–I seemed to skip that for a year. On my birthday, something sparked in me. I reflected on my life, the people in it, and the choices I’ve been making–am I becoming a better person? What changes can I make to be more responsible, more open, more resilient? A lot of these reflections have translated into the age-old question: “Am I an adult yet?”. I’m trying to grasp that the answer to that doesn’t have to be a dichotomy–my development can be on a spectrum that is continuing to evolve and grow. I am learning to accept my flaws and bask in the things that make me great. I am learning to surround myself with people who are invested in my heart. I am learning to balance work joys with work stresses, and finding the lessons in both. I’m learning how to find the energy to exercise daily, the budget to do all the things I want, and that The Loft has great sales and work-appropriate dresses. And I feel good. I feel like I’m growing.

I’m a work in progress. And it’s fun.

 

 

What You Should [and Should Not (but Maybe You Should Be)] Doing As a Twenty-Something (I Think?)

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed as a twenty-something.

There are so many articles, so many lists, so many demands of “You’re a twenty-something, and THIS is what you’re supposed to be experiencing.” You’re supposed to be single and making mistakes. You’re supposed to be in a stable relationship and know all the answers. You’re supposed to know how to cook an elaborate meal, balance a checkbook, have the financial resources to always travel, and have a pet that depends on you. You’re supposed to have your own fashion sense, your own circle of friends, your own cell phone bill. You most certainly are supposed to be in a stable career, but it has to be one you secretly hate and are repressing your creative ambition for. You should not know when your bills are due, but you should know when the newest season of “House of Cards” premieres (Valentine’s Day, by the way). You should know all the presidents in alphabetical and chronological order, as well as the coffee order as your best friend. 

There are so many expectations. There are so many contradictions.

When I read these lists and articles, things claiming “25 Things You Must Do at 25” or “Why Millenials Are Ruining America” or “Why Being In A Relationship Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up To Be”, it all becomes overwhelming. Whose standards are we holding ourselves up to? The internet’s? Society’s? Our own?

These lists and articles are entertaining, I’ll give them that, but I think they also do something to our perception of what it means to be an adult at any age. Being in a world post-graduation (whether you have your masters or your high school diploma) is difficult. All these lists and articles seem to be classist and cater to the fortunate individuals who had access to higher education and money–are all 25 year olds traveling to Europe or Instagramming their cocktails? No–some 25 year olds are parents, some are working minimum wage jobs with only a high school diploma, and everywhere in between.

To read a list that says “As a twenty-something, you should be traveling EVERY CHANCE YOU CAN”, and to not have the resources to do so, it sounds like you’re missing a crucial part of being an adult. And while traveling does have its merits and lessons, they can be learned other ways too. Independence, responsibility, and furthering your cognitive development can be achieved in numerous ways, pertaining to what you need and are able to gain access to. Reading “You should have found the love of your life by 28” is absolute garbage, and there should be no deadline for finding someone you want to spend a week, a year, or a lifetime with. Reading “You should be single until you’re 30” is crazy, too. You should be single if you want to be, and if you want a partner, you should have one or work on having one. It’s not easy to be single, and it’s not always easy to be in a relationship. But there’s no dichotomy of what is expected of you in your twenties–either be with someone, or don’t, as long as you’re happy. See also: not everyone has to go to graduate school, not everyone has to be making $50,000 by the time they’re 30, and not everyone has to have read “Catcher in the Rye”. 

What experiences that are right for you, are not necessarily the experiences that are right for everyone.

There is no wrong or right way to grow up–as long as you do it (at some point). As long as you clamor to be a better version of yourself than you were 5 years, 5 months, or 5 minutes ago, you are growing and being exactly the kind of 20-something, 30-something, or 50-something you are supposed to be. Becoming an adult doesn’t happen in this vacuum of 10 years–and although youth is wasted on the young, youth is truly wasted on those who think the game’s over once they blow out 30 birthday candles. You have an entire lifetime to do and become what you want, so instead of freaking out about the things that haven’t happened yet, celebrate the things that have and are about to happen. Make plans, stick to them, don’t worry whether or not you are following anyone else’s expectations but your own, and be a damn cliche and live in the present.

You’re doing great, kid.

oh, the places you will [one day] go

I’m a product of my generation. I grew up in a community that fostered–albeit at times unhealthy–competition between myself and my peers in the realms of academics, athletics, music, and everything in between. Who had the nicest clothes? Who took the nicest vacations? Who had the most numbers in their Motorola cell phones with snap on cases? If someone else’s parent wasn’t criticizing that you got the solo her daughter wanted or the way you smiled at the boy her daughter had a crush on, you were a nobody in my quiet, mountain town. I grew up being a big fish in a very small pond–always feeling some sort of spotlight on everything I did, and feeling the burn of it by many peers and their parents. It would be easy to chalk it up to jealousy, but really I think people had nothing better to do than analyze the every move each other made. Growing up in a small town does something the to psyche of its inhabitants–when I talk with my friends who grew up in a large city, they can’t quite relate to the cattiness or bitterness I had to grow up with. People in cities have more important people, things, and places to focus on–which is why I knew that the second I got to leave my hometown, I was going to do it.

Fast forward 8 years, and I find myself living in the nearest city to my mountain town. Merely half an hour away is the place that I called home–sometimes reluctantly–for the majority of my life. When I first made the choice to move to Asheville I was worried people would view it as moving home, although I can assure myself that living here is NOTHING like living in my small hometown.

But why did it matter?

I was getting some drinks with friends one night when we all started talking about social media. My loverly boyfriend was complaining that people use Facebook and Instagram just to brag about themselves and to make others feel bad (he has neither). My good friend Ali commented that when people share their successes, the audience that’s staring at their computer screen are comparing their mundane lives to the brilliantly filtered lense of a photo, and that isn’t fair. She called it comparing your “behind the scenes” (like sitting at home on a Thursday night eating leftovers and drinking 3 Buck Chuck) to someone’s highlights (like your friend that is living abroad and only posts about their adventures or the seemingly infinite number of friends getting engaged). Although it isn’t true for all, most people post the positive, monumental moments happening in their lives. It’s creating an image for you–the Facebook stalker or Instagram gawker or Twitter talker–not to make others feel bad, but just tp share that they have some parts of their life put-together. To keep yourself sane, it’s vital to remember that not everyone does have their life all figured out, at least not completely–even your old roommate who spends her summers feeding elephants and Thailand and working as an intern for Vogue in the fall (disclaimer: none of my old roommates do these things…yet). What you’re not seeing in between the posts of engagement rings and music festivals are any kind of arguments, financial burdens, car problems, pimples, the 5 terrible outfits they tried on before they pieced together the perfect one, the hangovers, or general sadness fits that occur. And these things do happen. Often.

I was reading a childhood favorite to my students the other day–Dr. Seuss’s “Oh! the Places You Will Go!”. It’s a stereotypical graduation gift, but I have only read it as an adult a handful of times. As I was reading it aloud to my students, I began to tear up. The overall message of the book isn’t “Hey! You’re going to have adventures! No issues! No problems! Just go out and change the world!” like I believed it to be as a child. Re-reading it as an adult, the stronger message of the book is that life is full of balance–one day things are great, the next they’re awful. Sometimes you’ll be surrounded by people, sometimes you’ll be alone. And sometimes–this was the most profound part to me–you’ll have to wait for things.

As much as I’d like to be jet-setting with perfectly gel manicured nails and drinking exquisite champagne cocktails for the majority of my day/week/month/life, it’s just not an option for me yet. I need to wait to save up money for trips. I need to wait for time off. I need to wait to get it all scheduled so that I’m not creating a burden for myself or others. No matter how much I want things NOW, or expect them NOW, or become disappointed that things aren’t happening NOW NOW NOW, in life you have to wait. What the book tells you–and what is the absolute truth–is that some people wait forever, because they wait for things to happen for or to them. That’s not for me, and it shouldn’t be for you–if you are working hard towards a goal, your wait will be shorter. There may still be a wait–ugh, I know–but if you want it, you can have it.

I think pretty often of what I would tell 17-year old, starry-eyed Michelle. I wonder if she’d be disappointed that I wasn’t a billionaire writer and public speaker, saving the world one witty comment at a time. I wonder if she’d be surprised that I lived in Asheville–a city she adored. I wonder if she’d be giddy about buying a home with her boyfriend. I know she’d have questions, but what kind of answers would I want to give her? So much of the joy in my life has come from the result of hard work and waiting. Waiting to leave a town that seems hellbent on defining who you are, waiting to meet the right guy, waiting to see the world and change it simultaneously.

I realize how young I am, and how much lies ahead. So now I’m content with waiting, as long as I work towards my goals along the way. I’ve got places to go.

Freckled & Helpful: My Friend Is Blowing Me Off

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Welcome to another edition of Freckled & Helpful! Thank you so much for all your support as I start this new endeavor for my blog. Keep those questions coming! If you are inspired to ask a question after reading this entry, please leave a comment or email me at freckledandjoyful.blog@gmail.com. Whether you choose to be anonymous in our correspondence or not, know that this is strictly confidential and no one will ever know who the actual sender was (unless you blab in the comments!). Okay, enough formalities, lets get down to it:

A close friend decided to become my roommate recently, and at the last minute backed out. I understand her reasons for not being able to honor her commitment, and I do not hold any animosity to the fact that we won’t be living together. We did, however, have a disagreement about how she informed me of her decision. She never directly said that she would not be moving in; I had to extract the information from her. Later that night I sent her a message describing how I did not feel that she was supportive of my needs in our friendship by not having an open and honest conversation with me about her decision. In fact, it now has me questioning whether or not she wanted to move in at all! I would love to have a conversation with her about this but she has not made any effort in responding to my message. I want to believe we have a strong and lasting friendship, but this makes me reconsider. Should I try to contact her again, or just let the relationship fizzle out?

Sincerely,

Broken-hearted Friend

Ugh, friendship problems are the WORST. Combining two worlds–friendship and co-habitation–can be super tricky. I’m really sorry your friend didn’t feel like she could be upfront with you–that definitely had to hurt. When you feel like someone is a good friend, and they pull the rug out from underneath you like this, I can understand how it could make you feel like it wasn’t a strong and lasting friendship. However, not everyone can handle conflict directly. For a lot of people, it is much easier to run from a problem than face it head on–some people can repress their feelings and comments about a situation for days, weeks, months, years, etc. It sounds like to me that your friend wants to avoid a super painful conversation–admitting her own faults and maybe pointing out a couple of yours–and they don’t want to do that. It’s much easier to ignore you.

But that doesn’t give YOU any kind of closure. If this was a good, stable friendship and this is your first bump in the road, I think trying to reach out to your friend again is totally acceptable. However, it shouldn’t be a letter or a message this time–you can simply invite them to get coffee, or something you two enjoy doing together (but where you can talk). Before you meet, really think about what you want to accomplish in your conversation–mentally practice using only “I” statements, so that she doesn’t feel like you’re attacking her. Once you’re face-to-face, you’ll be able to gauge her reactions–body language can speak thousands of words if your friend is not one to come outright with their emotions. If you had to extract from her that she wasn’t even moving in, she may be reluctant to talk about things. Know that if you push the subject too hard, she may get frustrated and close-up completely, so try not to be on the defensive. You could lead into a conversation about how you feel about the situation gently, with something like “Hey, so did you get that message I sent you last week?” If she says she did, you can say that you just wanted to talk a little more about it in person. Social media and text messaging leave a lot out of conversations that people need to discuss–people that want to save a relationship, anyway. If your friend says she doesn’t want to talk about it, then telling her that continuing the friendship for you means being honest and clear communication can express to her how serious a situation this is to you. If she isn’t willing to have the conversation, well, I’m afraid you have your answer about whether or not the friendship should fizzle out. Try not to get angry, try to keep your cool–remember she’s the one that left you high & dry, and she should be the one trying to make things better! But recognize when someone isn’t willing to be in the effort for your friendship and your happiness, aka, know when to end the conversation, pay the bill, and walk away.

If your friend doesn’t respond to an invitation to seeing you, that gives you an answer as well. Some people need some time to be alone and clear their head–if that’s how you’ve seen her handle other relationship issues before, maybe give her some time before you invite her to meet. If she doesn’t respond at all when you do send the invite, unfortunately, sometimes you have to let some relationships end–no matter how painful that may seem. Try really hard to not constantly contact your friend for affirmation of the friendship–if she doesn’t respond to the initial invitation, she’s not worth the effort. Friendship break-ups are super heart-wrenching, but I hope that’s not the case.

Ultimately, you need to do some soul searching within yourself. Is the friendship worth saving? If your answer is a clear yes, reach out, and don’t be afraid to be honest with your friend. If your answer is hazy, maybe give yourself (and your friend) some time to cool off. 

It sounds cliche, but people do come in and out of our lives for a reason. Even if the friendship doesn’t work out, try really hard to focus on the positive things about the person–that way, if she comes around and decides she does want to talk about things, even if it’s a considerable amount of time later, you’ll be emotionally prepared and maybe willing to give the friendship another try. In the meantime, focus on finding a new roomie that will commit!

Freckled & Helpful: I Feel Like My Friend Getting Married Was a Bad Idea

ImageLike the sweet graphic I made? I am so excited for the first edition of Freckled & Helpful! I’m hoping to make this a regular part of my blog. If you are inspired to ask a question after reading this entry, please leave a comment or email me at freckledandjoyful.blog@gmail.com. Whether you choose to be anonymous in our correspondence or not, know that this is strictly confidential and no one will ever know who the actual sender was (unless you blab in the comments!). Okay, enough formalities, lets get down to it:

I have a friend who was just recently married after dating for an extremely short period of time (3-5 months). I don’t think it was a good idea. When we talk, there’s only so much I can say about it without telling her what I really think, and I think she suspects that I don’t approve, so she provokes me into talking about it. I guess she’s hoping I’ll tell her what I really think, but I don’t know why, nor do I really want to tell her what I think because it’ll probably lead to a fight. What should I do?

First of all, can I please say what a good friend you are for not bursting through the doors saying “I OBJECT” during your friends nuptials? In a wedding obsessed culture (thanks to social media and the millions of Pinterest boards dedicated to that ~special day~), I personally think people rush into weddings not because they want the commitment of marriage, they want the excitement of a party all about them. However, once the cake is all gone, the DJ has packed up his equipment, and the fumes of wine have left the building, all that’s left is a couple that is either destined for greatness or doomed to spend their future years wondering “Um, how did I get here?”. It sounds like you understand this, and you take the idea of marriage very seriously–it’s not something you feel should be rushed into or taken lightly. That’s a totally valid idea to have, and probably will result in a stronger identity you’ll have for yourself when you get married one day (if you so choose).

That being said, it’s easy to want to impose what is working for YOU onto other people. Maybe you take things with more deliberate consideration–you analyze, and can over-think situations or ideas. This is a totally awesome way to be if it works for you and the people you surround yourself with. There are other people that follow their gut reaction to anything–there’s little to no thinking involved, they just jump and figure whatever happens, will happen. Even though this goes against my complete core of understanding, this is also an awesome way to be. Dating someone for 3-5 months then jumping into marriage with them sounds absolutely terrifying to me, because it’s not my way of going about things. But, there is the cliche saying of meeting the right person–“When you know, you know.” The adrenaline of being with someone in those early months is infectious, and sometimes you just want to get your life started with a person right away. If your friend is the kind of person that follows her first instinct, maybe the decision to say “I do!” felt right. And maybe it was the wrong instinct to choose. That’s the chance people who jump feet first into situations take.

But maybe it will be awesome.

Your friend probably doesn’t actually want validation that you support her marriage, but that you support her. If she’s prodding you for reassurance, she probably isn’t feeling too secure about herself. So you’re right–telling her exactly how you feel will probably lead to a fight and maybe the end of a friendship. If you value this relationship, you should tell her that you do. Let her know that you care about her, and value her heart and her friendship. Something along the lines of “You know what, I’m really glad you’re my friend and you want me in this new life you’re starting.” If she keeps pushing you for your true feelings about her marriage, tell her that you will support her no matter what she does, and that will never change. If you feel like she keeps bugging you about it, you can start to be more blunt: “You made this choice without consulting me, and I’m here to support it. If you want to talk about something else, we can. If you’re going to keep asking me if you made the right decision, I don’t know, because I’m not you or your partner.” You know what you would choose for yourself, but you don’t know what you would choose for her. And even if you don’t approve, if you value the friendship, you’re going to have to keep quiet about the details. Eventually she will realize you’re not going to say “YOU MADE THE WRONG CHOICE, GIRL. DO YOU EVEN KNOW YOUR NEW LAST NAME?” and will become bored and move on.

People get married for all kinds of reasons, even though the ideal is to fall ~in luv~ & run away together into the sunset. What’s important is that you remember why you value this girl’s friendship, and if you want to keep her in your life, make your own decision that the relationship means more to you than your opinion. If you show her that you support her no matter what, she’ll come to you when things are bad, and hopefully (and way more wonderful), when things are good. And you will be happy for her. Genuinely. Promise.

Have more advice to offer the writer of this question? Leave a comment! Have a question for me to answer? Leave a comment! Or email freckledandjoyful.blog@gmail.com . xoxoxo